This Rhythmic (or lack thereof) Journey.

It's been awhile. It always has, seeing as I have very little dedication to this blog. Much less than I have towards many other things in life, despite my bold proclamation of love for writing. But I suppose this may be lovely to look back to, years ahead, wherever I may be, whatever predicament or social condition I may be in.

  So where to start? It seems that I haven't documented much of my musical journey, and today I feel particularly chatty. (And wide awake, even though it's 12.10 a.m. Blame my spontaneous attempt at chocolate mud-cake, I'm as stuffed as a pot-bellied pig!) I ramble. So looking back, at where I started, and looking forward at what's to come, this still feels surreal. I still remember enjoying (to an extent) Yamaha classes I used to take as a child. Solfege was fun, came easy to me (Again, to an extent). Piano lessons took it's darker turn when I got a particular teacher that particular year when I had to take 2 particular exams. I believe I was 7? 8? Both ABRSM and Yamaha at once was tough for a kid. Things didn't get any better as Yamaha was dropped and ABRSM was continued. (Without me having any say, mind you!) Classes got more stressful, and I dreaded every Tuesday (?). Theory was just pfffft. Many times over did I want to stop. Hated sight reading, hated scales, hated learning songs I could barely read. I can barely remember when I started to get the idea that I wanted to do it for the rest of my life, no thanks to classical ABRSM syllabus! Church spurred that, a lot. Playing more freely, with chords I could interpret in my own melodic and rhythmic way, lit a bulb in me that no classical piece ever could. Working with a band built that confidence more, in a way I never really understood. Perhaps I came to see the beauty of music as a whole, a song as an entire piece, but yet being able to analyse every small part. Controlling band dynamics, with the build ups and drops and transitions, and flowing, everything was just a masterpiece if done correctly. Placing myself in the P.A. System department of the prefectorial board was another push. Not a regret at all.  Learning protocols, show procedure, amateur skills in handling an amateur mixer, coiling cables over and over again, stage management. It was as if I enjoyed the stress, perhaps due to the very rewarding satisfaction at the end of it all. When I turned down higher posts for a choice to retain in the P.A. Board, they asked me why. Of course it was partly bullshit, but it was something along the lines of "I want to do music in the future, so I want to be able to extend my ability in the field of mixing/understanding how sound works." They laughed, saying something like "Oh you nak jadi rock star ke?", but I didn't care. What if I did? What was so funny about that?

  Which brings us to present day.  It has been 2 semesters past in ICOM already. Everything seems to have passed so quickly, like it was just yesterday that I set foot in to register. And now I spend almost every waking hour in that place, learning, practicing, wasting my time, laughing, loving. But then again, I have seen a major growth that I never expected. If you ever told that young classical pianist (could I REALLY even consider myself one then?) at the age of 13/14 that she was one day going to actively practice technicals and scales on her own accord because she wanted to improve, she would have probably told you to piss off. Yes, I still do insist that I don't have enough time, which is true. I'm still very much under-accomplished as a performer for a 3rd Sem student. I still want more time that I can't have before stepping foot any further. But it's my last sem, and I suppose I have to make do with what I have. An audition in June, and a possible goodbye for 2 and a half years in August. Short though the time here I've been, I've gone through so much. So many opportunities came by me that I could never have imagined. From singing for FP on the first week of college, to open mics, Penang Jazz, Snarky Puppy, watching gig after gig, getting recognition as a writer, showband opportunities and now produced as a writer for my very own EP, I count myself extremely blessed. For the chances I've been given, for the friends I've made, for the people I've come to love and appreciate. Though week after week, it really isn't easy, but I've come to make do. Coming from the tired, stressed out girl in Sem 1 who used to sleep on the 2nd Floor tables, to accepting what I have to do and giving myself more space and time to prioritise my work, it's not over yet but I'm glad I've made it this far.

   Looking into the near future, so many exciting opportunities await. I can't believe it, it was not that long ago I was still dreaming of entering ICOM, and soon I'll be leaving it. Then, Berklee. BERKLEE. It indeed still seems so surreal. So what will it be, Songwriting, Film Scoring or CWP? It is a choice I still find hard to make. Perhaps one day when I look back at this blog post I may laugh at my indecisiveness. Or perhaps I may look back and still wonder if I've made the right choice. Who knows? All I know is, excitement awaits in August, but also unwillingness to let go. Bittersweet it will be. But for now, let that be a bridge we cross when we get there, and let this bottled up excitement be for what a huge project my EP is becoming.

Until Again,
Lyanne Low.

Why?

Tears, why do you soak my pillows so?
Cascading down my cheeks in the dark,
This begotten hour.

Yet lightly they do not come,
For the hope is strong, though the risks are high.

Heart, why do you doubt, why do you fear?
The count of days have barely begun,
Yet dread already lurks in the darkness.

Love, dare I say, dare I proclaim.
Let it be spilt, let it be known.
For in you I see forever,
though the odds seem never in our favour.

My love, my darling,
Words I have yet to speak.
Though I weep, though I fear,
I stand firm in what I have decided.

For how do you deny something so natural?

Sleep, may it take me.
For this night has had too many an hour.
Falling into its gentle abyss,
Cloak me with its soft lull.
Into its comfort, forgotten is the pain.

I Wish.

I knew it. Could see it coming. How could I have such a long run of happiness and joy without anything messing me up? It isn't like me. It was weird. Way too strange.

But where do pent up emotions go? The frustrations of almost 10 years, rapidly growing sick and tired of the bullshit I have to endure. Nothing has changed, nothing at all. Why are my opinions only necessary and needed when you want them? When all of you want them? I wish I could help. I do. I wished we didn't have to pointlessly spend 3 hours trying to figure out what was wrong. I wish. And I could. But there was no chance.

Stubbornness. Denial.

Stupidity and immaturity can be taught, can be cured. But how do you cure stubbornness, for those in refusal to accept or even attempt the suggestions given? How can the place, the people that are supposed to bring me peace be the only ones to repeatedly push me off the edge? This is not sanctuary. This is hell.

I wish I could talk. I wish I could vent. But I wish not to be a pain nor a burden.

What have I gotten you into?  A train wreck of emotions? I wish you didn't know. But then again, I wish you do, the least I could do is let you know who exactly, WHAT exactly I am.

Contradictions, yet all true.

So I toss and I turn. Afraid, angry. I will free myself. Because beneath the beautiful, there is hurt, there is pain.

Bliss.

Yes, I do like the Nestle yoghurt drink with the same name quite abit too, but that isn't exactly what I was referring to.

  It's been awhile. For many good reasons. I was beginning to think I entirely lost my ability to write for fun. I never realised it but I'm starting to understand just how easily influenced I am. A slight prompt. But no, I'm not complaining. This is quite fun, actually. But for old time's sake and the fact that I ramble better in rhymes and shorter phrases, this, too is for you.


Words I'll never say
You wouldn't catch me,
Not a thousand days,
But here, tired yet wide awake,
Thinking, letting today replay.

Darling, a nickname never to be uttered,
Yet in my heart I'll constantly mutter,
Impossible as this may clearly seem,
Like how you fell flat, in a dream.

We both see, into the distant future,
Of screeching planes and airport stutter,
I'll let tears flow free, forget every other,
Arms wrapped tightly, in disbelief and wonder.

If only autumn leaves fell slow,
Time would wait, "later" is fine to see the snow.
Depths I find in your eyes,
Imploring me to be kind.

This hope I wish we both will share,
Of intertwined fingers, and old rocking chairs.
Whether church bells ring, we won't now know,
But in a distant future, I hope love will grow.

Phobias: No laughing matter

A phobia is a type of anxiety disorder, where a person experiences a persistent, extreme fear towards a specific something. The person is usually aware that the fear is irrational, but will experience distress and intense fear in the event of coming into contact of a situation where the phobia cannot be avoided entirely.

I, for one, have scoleciphobia and myriapodophobia.
Scoleciphobia is the phobia of worms;
Myriapodophobia is the phobia of millipedes.

When I define my phobia to people, I generally define it as a phobia of longish creatures that have either no legs or more than 8 legs.
I do NOT have insectophobia.

To clarify, I'm okay with snakes, okay with grasshoppers and crickets, okay with spiders, (not so much cockroaches, but it's not a phobia), okay with beetles, ants, bees, butterflies, mosquitoes and basically everything else.

Things I am NOT okay with are
Earthworms
Worms
Any type of worm
Maggots
Millipedes
Centipedes
Caterpillars
Snails
Slugs
Leeches

I decided to make this blog post all out of a sudden because I realised the world doesn't know enough that PHOBIAS ARE NOT A JOKE.
I had a dream this morning which I woke up to crying and sweating. In the dream, my family was talking about going to buy this dish to eat which contained minute live caterpillars. There were also two huge millipedes leaving the porch of my house when we were leaving the house, and another one curled up and twitching IN THE FRONT OF THE CAR next to the driver and passenger when I was in the Estima. In the dream, I was screaming and crying, but nobody heard me. Everyone in the dream treated it like I was overreacting. I WAS overreacting, but phobias are not a joke. It's disappointing, but in reality, reactions I get from people aren't far off from the ignorance I got in my dream.

There are different degrees as to how intense one person's fear of something can be.
I have a fear of heights, but it is a not a phobia.
For someone with a phobia, you understand entirely what I am talking about.
When I come into contact with my phobia, I get a panic attack. I literally have no rationality left in me, my chest starts pounding and I experience a panic attack as would someone suffering from anxiety would.
The only difference, is that I need a trigger.

I'll explain, the degree of severity of my phobia.
Even typing the words millipede and caterpillar gives me the chills. Just looking at the words make me picture them and start imagining a terrible situation.
Talking about them, seeing pictures of them, all of that gives me chills at the back of my neck and the start of irrational imagination.
If you ever see me hold the back of my neck and rubbing it, any talking about or picture showing of those things need to stop.
It's because I imagine them at the back of my neck, that's why I need to make sure they're not there.
(Having long hair doesn't help too)

So I just want to remind everyone out there, now that you are more aware of the perspective of someone who actually has a phobia, understand the severity of it.
I get jokingly chased around by someone holding one of those things, thinking that it's funny.
It's not a laughing matter.
I guess I have it worse off sometimes because it's more irrational than a phobia that's more common or taken more seriously such as claustrophobia. Regardless of how 'rational' you think someone's fear is, remember you are not in the position to control 'how scared' they're allowed to be.
People with scoleciphobia have every right to be taken just as seriously as claustrophobics.
You might say 'oh I'm helping them overcome their fear', but in reality, you are making it worse.
If one person wants to work on fixing their phobia, they themselves will make the necessary arrangements for therapy sessions with professionals, and a mental preparation to face their fear.

Scaring the living daylights out of them doesn't help their phobia.

Goodbye.

Too many goodbye songs
All of them on replay
But none of them seem to say
What exactly I feel today
So here's my own take

Maybe to you I never meant enough
Maybe I've been dreaming way too much
Perfect scenarios, impossible thoughts
Just like in the movies, I play them out
If you knew you'd laugh out loud

Minutes left, till your time to fly
I'm miles away willing myself not to cry
Even I, don't get myself
What's there to feel
When you were never mine

You'll be back soon, I know that's true
But if you'll ever be truly back
To the way I felt
We'll never know

So just grant me this time
To act the fool
As if the world is falling in
As if I can't live without you
Because I love you so

But love's a big word
And I don't know if I ever understood
How that really felt
If that was meant for you

So a silent goodbye
I chant in my head
Words can't begin to express
My thoughts, all a mess

As I wish you goodbye and all the best
With a heavy heart, a soft voice inside my chest.

a little sprinkle of glitter.

beauty.

HELLO, lovely people of the world! quick update, I've been having exams, yay! haha. a quick post just to show some of the things my sister got me when she went down to Singapore for a few days, thanks for the goodies! <3

So first off, is this sneaky little surprise from Charles and Keith!

Charles & Keith
Style: CK2-10680144
Colour: Blue
Size: XS

Isn't it just so pretty? Its a mildly textured muted lilac-y lavender colour, and it looks so soft and elegant. When I first saw my sister with a Charles and Keith paper bag, I was so afraid that she chose something I didn't like but I'm so grateful for her good taste haha.

One of the reasons I was afraid of what she chose is because I am particularly picky when it comes to wallets. I don't like anything too small, or anything too big, and they must have enough pockets to be practical. This one has a main cash / coin compartment with a lovely colbalt blue inside. It then has a button up which opens into a three-page style which has so much room for cards and unnecessary junk! 

The back also has a small pocket with the same cobalt blue lining as the cash compartment inside. 

I really love it and really think its so so pretty! I hadn't had a proper wallet since my last Charles and Keith one was stolen, which was a deep blue and I really loved that one, but it was no longer sold anywhere. So happy to get something similar, even though its a muted down colour, I think its really pretty! 

the pre-loved now missing C&K wallet

The next things are from Bath and Body Works! A brand that I've never owned before.

Bath and Body Works
Diamond Shimmer Mist
Hawaii Passionfruit Kiss & Moonlight Path

The first thing I thought when I saw these was LIQUID GLITTER! These are shimmer body mists that look SO glittery in the bottle. I tried spraying them to see just how glittery they are and the Moonlight Path one came out it literally water droplets, so that part of my arm looked like it was sprinkled in fairy dust. I'm not sure if it's just the way I pressed the nozzle or if there's something wrong with it, but the Hawaii Passionfruit Kiss one came out pretty okay. The glitters are pretty noticeable though.

Frangrance wise! 

Hawaii Passionfruit Kiss

Top Notes: Strawberry Guava, Kona Passionfruit, Kiwi

Mid Notes: Pink Hibiscus, Pineapple, Heliconia, White Papaya Blossom

Dry Notes: Coral Sands Accord, Macadamia, Skin Musk.

So as expected, this one is pretty tropical smelling, perfect for summer, those in countries with four seasons would say. But here, I guess this scent would really be fitting on holiday by the beach. The note I could detect the clearest from the first whiff would be pineapple, even though its meant to be a passionfruit scent. Sweet, but a fruity kind of sweet, not the sickly floraly scents I really hate. I wouldn't exactly call it fresh though, but its just really fun and cute, and I actually really really love this scent so far.

Moonlight Path

Top Notes: Sheer Lavender, Bergamot

Mid Notes: Star Rose, White Jasmine, Violet, Ylang Ylang, Lily of the Valley

Dry Notes: Sandalwood, Vetiver, Oakmoss, Vanilla, Amber, Soft Musk

Didn't know what to expect from the title of this scent, because the notes aren't on the bottles, but my first impression from this was that its a dreamy and romantic kind of scent, slightly spicy with a very clear musky touch to it. This I would probably wear to dinners and special occasions, its sophisticated in a mysterious sexy kind of way, not a interview-with-potential-boss kind of way. For so many floral notes, its not at all sickly or overpowering, and I quite like it.

As an overall opinion, both scents, because they are body mists, don't have very strong overpowering scents, which is a plus, but because of that, I'm doubting the lasting power of these mists. Glitter wise, I'm actually slightly afraid to use these mists (especially the Hawaii Passionfruit!) because hey, no one wants to go to the beach looking like a disco ball. But i'm guessing the glitters won't be that bad, except for the faulty nozzle. Hmm. 

Okay! Next item, also from Bath and Body Works!

Bath and Body Works
Island Waters Room Spray

Okay, I actually just freaked out at how good my toilet is going to smell from now on. My sister bought it for our bathroom because our fragrances and air fresheners just die off so quickly. And side note: its obvious how much my sister loves the beach and tropical places.

First impression! Coconutty and fresh, just like an ocean breeze. Slightly sweet but not too strong. I actually think it would legit be able to pass as a body scent if I just sprayed it on. Woopsies.

Last item I got, from Maybelline! Have actually been eyeing this for awhile now and was thinking of getting my hands on a tube when I got to Paris or London end of this year, but thank you sister! HAHA. 

Maybelline
Primer
Pore Eraser

My skin has been really dry and patchy lately, making my foundation base look really horrible and cakey somedays. Can't wait to try it out!

So that's the end of today's post, a post coming soon will probably be product review and recommendations, yay! The Maybelline Pore Eraser will be included in that review after I try it out, along with other skin care/beauty/hair care things that my sister got me in her haul from Hong Kong about a week ago. Perks of having an older sister with money that's into beauty as well, *wink.

Time to get back to my reading!

Lyanne.